Orville Redenbacher... You dog, you!

The art of popping popcorn is just that... an art. Timing is everything, especially in a microwave. You don't want to leave the bag in for too long because you don't want the popcorn to burn and you definitely don't want to leave the popcorn in for too little time because... well, then there wouldn't be enough popped deliciousness to curb your insatiable appetite. (I know I'm not the only one thinking about popcorn this much... or am I?)

Tonight I carefully unwrapped some of Redenbacher's ever-so-brilliant natural butter-flavored microwaveable popcorn. Alone, the popcorn is a dream. But, of course, is a dream ever good enough for Food: The Musical?

In reality, the popcorn took about 2 minutes and 30 seconds to agitate from a dense bag of golden kernels to a cloud of air-infused popped goodness. The contents of the bag were emptied into a huge brown bowl...

Butter was melted, kosher salt and granulated sugar were thrown around, and you better bet that chocolate chips were brought into the mix.

Fast forward five minutes... Watch out Mr. Redenbacher, here comes a microwaving superstar! (I don't mean to gloat. It's just... what Orville is to popcorn, I am to deserving ingredients everywhere.)

Bread of Affliction: A Love Letter

Dear Matzah,

What the fuck? I don't understand you and your unleavened ways. For one week every year, I depend on you as a source of carbohydrates, yet I can't stand you. Let me preface all of this by saying that I don't mean to offend you or anyone tied to the Matzah industry for that matter. I'm just speaking my mind.

From a money-making stand point, I think you're a great idea. Leave it to the Jews to market a product that is actually crap and sell it rather successfully. In other words, because Jewish people are unable to eat bread during Passover, they are essentially forced to eat you... you awful binding cracker look-a-like.

I will say, however, that you are somewhat special. Cover you in some country crock, a little cream cheese, or maybe some peanut butter and BAM, you are a gourmet masterpiece! To the common taste bud, a snack like this might taste, well, like cardboard. But to the bread-less Jew, you have the potential to achieve greatness. Last night, for example, I whipped up some matzah lasagna. Between layers of matzah (which when baked obtain the consistency of typical lasagna pasta), I placed a fair amount of ricotta, parmesan, and fresh mozzarella cheeses. I cut up some broccoli, zucchini, mushrooms, and onions and threw them in the mix, as well. I topped the whole concoction off with some tomato sauce, baked it for about 25 minutes at 350 and voila...a delightful italian dinner infused with the most boring, unappetizing bread substitute known to man.

All in all, I do want to thank you for allowing me to broaden my culinary horizons. You enable my imagination and truly let me explore a world that, unfortunately, I must experience every year. As the 2010 Passover season comes to end, I hope you enjoy your final days in the spotlight and I do hope that supermarkets aren't too overwhelmed by the massive matzah surplus that they'll probably experience.

See you next year!

Love,

Matt

The hungry beware...

To be blunt... there is nothing I like more than eating. Everything that surrounds eating (and food, for that matter) arouses me in ways that most other things can not. I'll bite into something like an apple and think, "wow, this is the most simple, most delicious thing I know." (Of course, I know that with eating, there are endless possibilities, and the apple is so miniscule in the world of food.)

Now let's get to it.

Today was a beautiful day of eating, topped off with the most incredible dinner- UBurger. I had a UCheese Burger (Vegetarian-style, with cheddar and all of the typical fix-ins). I'm a huge fan of honey mustard, as you'll come to realize, so my french fries were obviously accompanied by that fantastic condiment. Later in the evening, I decided to whip up a batch of Trader Joe's Guilt-free Brownies. Normally, one would mix the mix with a small package of fat-free yogurt, which is exactly what I did. I then proceeded to stir in two crushed Nestle Crunch Bars. After the 25-minute bake time, I "iced" the brownies with peanut butter. Needless to say, these "guilt-free" brownies belonged behind bars... and in my stomach!

Some call me crazy, others say magical kitchen wizard. Either way, I just love food.